Why Didn't You Take My Hand?
by starspangledfeels
Summary: Rey laments over the seperation and connection between her and Ben Solo. Is he monster or man? Light or dark? Enemy or lover? (Exploration fic as I play around with these characters. Complete. Reylo.)


**Guilty pleasure writing as I explore these two characters and the relationship between them. No, I'm not jumping on the Reylo bandwagon, it's pretty clear that this is a canon relationship and hot damn do I ship the hell out of it. After seeing TLJ- SPOILERS OF COURSE- I walked out thinking Kylo Ren wasn't a punk bitch and that he was actually a compelling character, and that I loved the connection between him and Rey. I'll definitely write more Reylo but consider this a completed little exploration one shot.**

* * *

There was always that darkness in the back of her head. No matter where she went, or what she did, there was an unwelcome presence following her every move. But Rey could not bring herself to make anyone aware of the shadow trailing her, or what had truly transpired on Ahch-To and in Snoke's throne room.

From what she could decipher by reading the ancient Jedi texts, force bonds were a connection between two force sensitive subjects. The bonds could be amplified between pairs that were already connected, but the works on the subject that she had, albeit limited, all concluded that the link _came_ from the force. Projecting yourself across the galaxy was different than being bound to another by the force, and if it weren't for the continued presence of Ben Solo in the back of her mind, Rey would have assumed that Snoke had simply projected images of themselves across the stars to each other to trick her.

But Snoke and any power he held over their connection were dead.

And Ben still haunted her.

And he had been the one to kill Snoke.

And what else would cause Rey to dream of an empty and dark void, so vast that it swallowed up any light that could be found?

Every night she saw it, large and looming blackness stretching on forever. What was she so afraid of? What was this ancient darkness? And why did she feel so helpless against it? Hadn't she conquered her own darkness? But this... something _was_ different from what she had sensed on Ahch-To.

What baffled Rey the most was that Kylo Ren was her _savior_ in these dreams. Every night his hands would extend in offering to lift her from certain destruction into the safety of his embrace... But why would he help her? Wasn't that just her foolishly wishing that he had made a different choice? There couldn't be any substance to the dream, even if she had it every night. It had to be wishful thinking. Ben had made his choice. She had made her's. How could this dream have any connection to reality? Let alone their closeness?

Rey was not certain _why_ she sometimes felt phantom fingers brush hers, or why she could hear his voice in her ears, or why she felt emotions that weren't her own press into the back of her mind. She knew it was their force bond, but why were they even being brought together by it?

What was the reason for this torture? The agonizingly strong connection between them seemingly had no productive purpose. Every moment was another fight with herself, sheer will driving a divide between them that sapped at her strength and her heart. Every moment that she resisted- that they were apart- was another moment of pain and heartache.

Rey massaged her temples and squeezed her eyes shut as she commanded his presence to silence and fade. No matter how much she worked at severing the bond, _he_ was constantly there. She didn't want him there in her head as a constant reminder of his refusal to change, why wouldn't he just leave her alone?

Monster, murderer, _Kylo Ren_ ; always that hurricane in her eardrums, the scarred face she saw when she slept. He was as omnipresent as the color of the back of her eyelids, just as dark and red when she sensed him.

So why did she still sense him? What _possible_ reason could the universe- or the force for that matter- have for connecting them? What was she supposed to do to stop this dull ache in her heart or the ringing in her ears, how was she to get a good night's sleep without his eyes haunting her?

"Rey."

A voice interrupted her mental clamor and she tried not to snap at whoever was speaking to her- it wasn't their fault they weren't the person that she wanted to hear calling for her.

"Finn," Rey tried to offer him a smile but it ended up being tight and short.

"Get any sleep last night? You know, with..." Finn started cheerily but trailed off. He was the only one who knew about her connection to Ben, the only one whom she felt she could talk to and trust. Besides General Leia of course. Things were different with Rose around, sure, but Finn was still her closest friend.

She sighed. Having friends was... Different. She wasn't used to anyone caring about her well being other than herself. It was strange to have company when she ate, people to speak with, friends to greet. Despite the occasional feeling of overwhelm from the enthusiasm, Rey truly loved having people around.

Mixed with Chewy and Leia, R2, C3-PO and BB8, Poe, and Finn, Rey's band of friends was almost like a family. Almost. She was closer to Finn than Poe, because she knew Finn better and they had a bond, like brother and sister, they watched out for one another.

But it wasn't really a family, at least it didn't feel... right. There was something missing in her heart and despite her best efforts to deny it, Rey knew who that something was.

And even though she hoped with all her might that he would change, would come back to the light, would be _Ben_ again- she had every reason to doubt. She wasn't the only one repressing their force bond after all.

"It was the same." Rey forced another small smile. "But I'm getting better, things are getting better. I don't feel as tired today."

Finn studied her for a moment before nodding. They had an unspoken agreement, Finn would have her back like he always did, she would try to be optimistic for both him and herself, and they'd make it through the day. And then another would start.

* * *

Rey was in the forest, having meditated alone in an attempt to find some solace. She needed to go back soon but it was quiet in the twilight out here. It was peaceful.

"Why would you lie to your friend?"

Rey jumped and spun to see _him_. He was a few feet away, looking pale and gaunt. He had dark circles under his eyes, not unlike herself. She stared. After all these weeks... To see his face was a relief and it surprised her just how much of her anxiety melted away.

"I didn't lie."

"Rey." His tone was controlled and almost flat, but it carried with it some annoyance.

It warmed her heart, just a little, to hear him say her name.

"I have to be strong for them. Don't you?"

"I am strong, I don't have to pretend."

" _Ben_." It felt good to chastise him back.

All was quiet for a moment.

"You tried to kill me." Her heart broke, had he really thought that was her intention when they fought for the lightsaber?

"You tried to kill _me_." She countered.

"You're no better than _him_!"

"You're right!"

He paused and studied her with a more open expression and Rey could see his surprise plainly.

"I'm not better than him, and neither are you. None of us are heroes or villains. We've all failed one another." Rey looked at him with sorrow in her eyes.

Neither of them said anything, both contemplating the risk that this was, yet how something drew them together. They each reached the conclusion that their bond was stronger than any resistance either of them could hope to muster. Both wondered if they even really _wanted_ to fight the connection between them any longer. That was what had allowed the slip-a weakness in both of their sets of armor. It was something neither had ever been able to defeat. Loneliness.

"I wish you were here." She admitted. "For months it has been like I've known you my whole life but suddenly, for the first time, you weren't there."

Kylo Ren's mouth closed as he fumbled about for something or some way to respond to that- to this whole situation.

But he knew what she meant because he felt it too.

"You _left_."

"You didn't _follow_."

Her eyes held a looming sadness- a dimension to her that he had glimpsed but not truly seen. Now he saw it, that this flickering pain was so _deep_ and _vast_. He had thought he understood her, but not until this moment had he achieved true understanding.

Her whole life she had been abandoned. Over and over, time and time again. First by her family, then by _his_ father, and then by Luke Skywalker, and then by _him_.

"That hurt you. I... hurt you." Kylo Ren said numbly, not caring to be anything but blunt with his words. To his credit, his voice was a little weaker than before.

" _Yes_. Like _every_ one else." He sensed that dark and hopeless loneliness in her again. It loomed over them, threatening to swallow both of them whole. Her pain was a broiling sea, like his, only she wore it so much better. He clutched at anger, old familiar anger. It was easier than this pain.

"You used me to get rid of Snoke."

"I _trusted_ you, I didn't think that you were going to take me to him."

"I trusted _you_!"

"I can't follow you to the dark side, Ben!"

"And I can't join you in the light!"

"Why not?!" She cried out.

"I offered you _everything_!" He shook, his fists clenched and his face red.

"I only wanted _you_!" She shouted.

It was quiet for a moment as they stared at each other.

"I destroyed _every_ thing I had for you."

"Then why didn't you come with me so we could build something new?"

"Why didn't you take my _hand_? Why did you leave?"

They were at an impasse. Rey looked into his eyes and saw space, dark and glittering. Wordlessly, she held up her hands, offering them to him. He hesitated, like he was afraid to be hurt again. Like there was a twist coming.

But he reached forward, and as their fingers touched they both felt something within them mend.

The feeling of his bare skin against hers was electrifying. The knowledge that their intimate connection was strong enough to cross the galaxy was still a wonder to Rey. It was still a wonder to Kylo that she let a monster so near.

"I don't want to walk any path without you, but I can't follow you into the darkness." She brought one pair of their hands up to rest her forehead against their knuckles. "We are stronger together, Ben."

"I'm not as strong as you think." He admitted in a small voice, and Rey felt her heart break.

"You're wrong."

"What if I'm not?"

"You _are_."

"Rey," He closed his eyes. How could he make her understand?

"You are strong, Ben. I believe that." She stepped closer, leaning her forehead against his chest and pressing herself into his side.

He was stiff for a moment, but he relaxed and folded an arm around her, his form dwarfing hers.

"We are strong together, stand with me, _please_."

"And accomplish what, Rey? Overthrow the empire I helped build?"

" _Peace_ , Ben. No more light, no more dark, no more Imperial rule and Resistance."

"Do you really think that's possible?"

"If you are with us."

Ben Solo sighed and shifted his arms to hug her to his chest. She rested her hands and body against his chest.

"You don't know what you are asking me to do, Rey."

"I do, Ben, I do know."

"They'd kill me if they saw me."

"I won't let that happen."

"Would you really choose me over your rebel friends?"

"Yes." She said without hesitation, and she meant it.

As Ben held her close Rey held him tight. She never wanted to let him go again.

Whatever came next, they would fight it. Together.


End file.
